How Co-Regulation Supports Relational Learning For Your Child

Co-what? Co-Regulation—this is true back and forth engagement.

For most parents, one of the main focuses of our work is to support relationship building and understanding effective communication within others including friendships.

Parents are  often concerned that their child isn’t making (or keeping) friends. This can be observed when a child is playing alone in a playground, not getting invited to birthday parties or having friendships in school environments, not being able to collaborate with others, and list goes on.  I believe one of the main reasons for these challenges is a gap in our child’s skillset. We haven’t taught them how to engage with others because we just assumed that it's a learned skill that they will pick up on their own.

Co-regulation is a wonderful tool to help support relational learning and foundation for communication.

Often when I say the term at co-regulation people think it means that they need to stay at the same regulated state with another person.  But I am not talking about that kind of co-regulation.

In RDI, Linda Murphy (RDI - SLP) explains “co-regulation simply means that each person acts in response to his or her partner; that is, each responds to the other, moment to moment, without controlling what the other person is doing. In lay terms, this would be described as being in sync.” (No,  not the boy band) 

“For co-regulation to be established, the interaction must be balanced, meaning that both individuals are competent in their roles and do equal amounts of the “work.” With co-regulation we cannot exactly predict what our partner will do on his or her role.. but the activity can not be carried through without the other. “

How to Engage In Effective Co-Regulation

Let's think of a realistic everyday example of co-regulation.  First of all, we need to determine roles, meaning that in the engagement or activity with another person--each person has a role. 

As an example, when you go through a drive-through and place an order, your role is the customer. The barista’s role is to to fulfill the order of your delicious coffee.  If one of us was not in our authentic role, the engagement wouldn't happen. Without my order the barista would have nothing to do, and without the barista my coffee would never be made.

Make sense?

To practice co-regulation at home you to set up a guiding opportunity and create a mindful engagement (if you receive my newsletters, I talked about this in detail in a recent email).

The goal is not to get a specific action. Remember, this is about the process not the task completion. Co-regulation is about the process (or the back and forth) of engaging with others. It is through relationships that we develop a sense of who we are and how the world works.  By establishing the ability to create co-regulation and maintain it, you are building the foundations for the functions and internal motivations necessary for long term engagement.  Here’s an example:

Guiding opportunity with a focus on co-regulation

 Activity: Crab hunting at beach.
Role: Child finds crab and holds bucket
Parent role:  Parent puts crab in bucket 

It’s very simple but I encourage you to  think of yourself as having the ability to influence child but not control of the engagement. As your child’s guide you will become more aware of successful moments of guided, co-regulated activity.

What to think about when doing a co-regulated activity:

1. Create a Co-Regulated Pattern: What you’re looking for here is a consistent dance of what's my role, your role, my role, your role, my role.  As in the co-regulation example above, your child gives you an item, you put that item away (and repeat), this creates an expected interaction where the child understands their role and can feel successful.  Be mindful not to change the dynamic unexpectedly because this can cause dysregulation for a child.
   
   
2. Slow Down & Pause: As parents, it’s very easy for us to try to rush through activities. With co-regulation we need to slow down and pause regularly. Pausing and waiting for your child to take action gives them time to figure out what they should be doing without prompting. As the guide and parent, you will need to be mindful of whether or not the child understands the co-regulation pattern before pausing too much.
   
   
3. Modify as Needed: When you begin to practice co-regulation it’s best to start with simple roles until both of you are comfortable with the flow and pattern of engagement. You can change it up, when you see your child is able to handle a more  complex role.
   
   
4. Eliminate Distractions: When setting up to do a mindful co-regulated activity, it’s important to consider potential obstacles for attention. I recommend turning off TV’s, clearing way distracting objects or toys and putting away mobile devices. This could also include spatial boundaries (corners of the room, stepping stool in the kitchen, positioning your body in comparison to your child’s body) as it provides more structure and frees your hands to engage with your child.

For more information on co-regulation, I highly recommend the Co-Regulation handbook by Linday Murphy.